Hard Days=Happy Days

This post is mostly for me. I wanted to be able to record my feelings. I don't like to be so public with my feelings, even in my own journal I have a hard time writing about my true emotions. I keep my emotions so tight that its hard to let anything out. But I need to have a reminder of my thoughts and feelings of this day. After much time, anticipation, hesitation, anger, joy and finally acceptance we started my mom's Temple work last night. Matt and I accompanied the youth to the Medford Temple to assist in baptisms. We have been planning this for quite some time. It didn't seem quite as significant in the days preceding, maybe I was numb, I'm good at that, or maybe it's just hard to imagine the feelings you will have about something so important until it comes. Maybe both. It was a struggle for me to move forward with this process because it is one of the most blunt ways of saying "yes, my mom is dead" there is no pretending, I can't tell myself she's just gone for awhile, or I just haven't seen her in forever. Doing her work means she's really dead and that is hard. I have been praying that something magical would happen to let me know that she was there, that she accepted it, that she loves me, that she knows me. I was hoping, really hoping for one of those crazy experiences where I see her or here her. Something. Anything. The longer she is gone the harder it is to feel her. I remember her always. But they are the same memories and rarely have emotions attached to them. I remember her like I remember someone in a movie but every so often I feel her. She was real, she was my mom, she did love me, she loves me still. I can smell her, and hear her, and feel her, not physically like she's touching me, but emotionally. I feel the feeling of her, I wish that I could feel that all the time. Her laugh, her smell, the feel of her embrace. It is a hard thing to explain but when it hits me it takes my breath away. It is powerful and private and painful but so worth it. I find myself praying for these moments often. The prayers seem to go unanswered but I know they are not...these moments come when I am not begging for them, they come all on their own and I cherish them. Last night I was needing one of these moments. I was irritable before we got to the Temple, which happens often when I'm sad. I don't like sharing my feelings when I'm sad, even with Matt, I feel like it somehow takes away from the realness of it, so instead I get snappy or quite. Once we got to the Temple though, I felt calm. I felt right, and although I did not get my "magic" I certainly felt the feeling of her strongly. She was an amazing mom-something I might not have told her enough-she did so much for us, she loved us, she supported us, she laughed with us and cried with us. She protected us. I have felt a lot of guilt and sadness that I did not have the power or strength to protect her in the way that I feel sure she would have protected me. Last night though I felt a release. I have given back to her all that I can. I have begun to do her Temple work and what better way can I thank her and love her than that. I had a dream not long after she died. We were walking in the grocery store holding hands. My mom was looking at some juice. I asked her if she could drink juice where she was. She told me not to worry. I started to cry as we were heading for the check out. I knew that we would soon have to say goodbye, that she would be leaving again. The check out lady looked at me and said not only can you buy bread but you can give the bread of life. And then my mom was gone. I feel like I have finally done that, I have given her all that I can, I have done my part-the beginning of it anyway. For selfish reasons I waited, but I needed to be ready. I needed to let go of that small part of me that still hopes she's going to knock on my door someday and say sorry that she's been gone so long. I had to move past that, accept that, yes, doing her Temple work makes it real to me that she is not coming back. I did it. It felt right. The magic was that there was no magic. It was just an amazingly simple, spiritual experience, that was perfectly fitting for my amazing, simple, mom. As we left the Temple I felt full and at peace. Someday I will see my mom again. I have hope.

Table Rock

Saturday morning we decided to take the whole fam damily on a hike up Table Rock. The last time I hiked Table Rock I was in 4th grade and got to wear my favorite pink jeans with a pink and green plaid cut off/button up tank top. It was rad. I was excited. We decided to let the Tom Tom lead the way because we weren't exactly sure how to get there-forget looking at a map for 2 seconds. Tom took us way past our exit-up a country road and said "you have reached your destination" at the end of some dead end road. Sweet. Tom has officially been retired. This is not the first time he has let us down, but it will be the last. A few hours later than expected we found table rock and were ready to get our hike on.

It started out like a stroll through the park. I was complaining that I missed my morning run for a silly little stroll. Matt said not to make everything about working out-just enjoy it. Blah.

30 seconds later it got steep and hot and steep and my bum started hurting and my legs were tired and I needed a break. See my glow? Matt was laughing. No one would take a break with me.


Matt was impressed with his photog skills...it's a lizard...who cares? They're gross.

See how pleased I look?

Finally to the top...it was awesome and a little scary. They should have a railing up there so people don't fall off.

We got to stop at the top and have a sweet picnic. I was afraid that the vaulters that were circling BELOW us were going to eat my salt and vinegar chips but they did not.

Molly and Wil like to get close to the edge to torment me. Sassy kids.

I Spy With My Little Eye...Something Green

Well after dreaming in green for over a year we finally did it! We changed our boring old faded red that I've had since I moved out, to totally rad, not faded at all green! My enthusiasm for painting faded quickly, really quickly, but Matt stuck it out like always. He even did all the clean up, put the stuff back on the walls, set up the furniture, and set out a bouquet of white tulips all while my little eyes were tightly closed and my little brain dreaming in la la land. What a guy.

Old Room

New Room

On a side note I found this really great "dresser" at a new antique store down the street from our house. Someday I am going to sand it and paint it and sand it again. Someday I will make Matt paint our room a nice blue. Someday.

I really have been wanting an old fireplace mantle for our headboard...I saw it in a magazine and I was instantly smitten. But, since we live in good ol' Talent, that might take me some time to find. Instead my friend Anne gave me a great idea to use an old door instead. Just my luck that very weekend was Talent's city wide garage sale and I found an awesome old door for....1 dollar! Can you believe it? The dollar menu at McDonalds isn't even a dollar anymore. I didn't know you could buy things for a dollar. I have begun to throw my dollars on the ground like I do with pennies they have become so useless...no no not really. I do throw away my pennies because they weigh down my change drawer but that's as far as I take it. So someday this too will be sanded, painted, and then sanded and become our new headboard. Pretty rad huh?

P.S.

SALLY-I am not contemporary. Really I'm not. Right? Right.

In Honor of Mi Madre

The other day I was in the garage putting stuff in the recycle bin-Reduce, Reuse,Recycle...right? I'm trying at least...I need to find at least one way to fit into my surroundings. Anyways as I was sorting my goods my eye happened upon a black garbage bag that was torn open. What to my wondering eyes did appear? But a bag full of jams and treasures galore. I tore open the bag to find TONS of my mom's old jammies. Matt hates the ones I currently wear(green plaid nightgown...I think it's a gem and wear it incessantly), so I started digging to see what I could add to my stash. Molly thought this was rad so we decided to celebrate my mom's b-day by having a fashion show in honor of my mom and her rad wardrobe. After we got home from Road House(mom's fav, my fav, molls fav...loved it) we strutted our stuff...here's what we found

This is in case you have to go to the bathroom and don't want to unbutton all the buttons. Pretty awesome!

Happy Birthday Mom-we sure love you!

Spontaneous to the Max

My brother had a tennis tourny in Bend this weekend...Friday night my dad called and said they got us a room at the hotel if we wanted to drive over. Wil's first match was at 7 in the morn so we decided to pack up and head out a.s.a.p. as possible(micheal scott). We got to Bend LATE and had to break into Matt's sisters house...thanks guys...because we only had a room for Saturday night. We had a great weekend. Wil did great. We had great food and great weather. On our way home we decided to stick with the spontaneous vibe and stopped at all the touristy places we could find. Matt and I had a blast. Molls slept the whole way and wouldn't get out of the car. Boo.

Our first stop was Diamond Lake...this is the road to the visitors center...I think not

This is some rad little waterfall on the side of the road...I never realized how pretty Oregon is until recently...shame on me


This is me...obv...pretending to fall off the look out. It freaked me out. Don't try it.

Love Birds

This river was SCARY...please don't ever fall in. No one would be brave enough to come save you.

On a side note, Matt has an obsession with teaching Molly to drive. She's only 14!! He made me get in the back and let her drive around our hotel. Horrifying. That's all I can say.

Hey Marg! Look What I Found...

While I was unpacking some boxes in the office(yes we still had boxes to unpack...) I found some old pictures disks. On one of them was the picturers that Margaret had takent the day I went to the Temple and some of my wedding day. Loved looking at them. So fun! Thanks M.

Designing on a Dime

Can I just tell you all how BORED I am with my house! I have all the same stuff I've had since I moved out for college. Yuck. I'm over it. I have been dying to paint and get some new accent stuff for years. Seriously. It has now become an obsession though. I get moody about it, I cry about it, I yell about it...okay maybe not so much. But I do obsess about it. I have been saving every penny, literally people, every penny for way too long to by new curtains and pillows for our living room...and some paint, candles, picture frames, a way cute vase and some other nic nacks I found at craft warehouse...am I asking too much? No. No I'm not. I have to sit in the dang living room everyday. I might as well love it, right? Well anyways I've been saving away to no avail. Every time we get extra money for our "future curtains" stash...we end up using it for other not so important things like groceries. Eating is over rated. Anyways, today I couldn't take it anymore. In a cleaning frenzy I look down our red curtains, bought some cute new pillows(15 bucks for 2 wootwoot-molly says that...not sure what it means exactly but I love it, sounds rad) and did some rearranging. And I love it already. I feel like a whole new gal. I took all our red out of the living room, good riddance, and moved it into the office. Love it. Our windows are now a wee bit bare, but oh well, it will have to do...until tonight when I can't sleep because I will be worried about who might be looking in our windows and then I will force Matt out of his peaceful slumber to re-hang them. Life is hard. Some day soon I will post some rad pictures of our rad new living room but for now I am going to go soak up some rays...with no curtains I don't even have to go outside to get a tan.