Hard Days=Happy Days

This post is mostly for me. I wanted to be able to record my feelings. I don't like to be so public with my feelings, even in my own journal I have a hard time writing about my true emotions. I keep my emotions so tight that its hard to let anything out. But I need to have a reminder of my thoughts and feelings of this day. After much time, anticipation, hesitation, anger, joy and finally acceptance we started my mom's Temple work last night. Matt and I accompanied the youth to the Medford Temple to assist in baptisms. We have been planning this for quite some time. It didn't seem quite as significant in the days preceding, maybe I was numb, I'm good at that, or maybe it's just hard to imagine the feelings you will have about something so important until it comes. Maybe both. It was a struggle for me to move forward with this process because it is one of the most blunt ways of saying "yes, my mom is dead" there is no pretending, I can't tell myself she's just gone for awhile, or I just haven't seen her in forever. Doing her work means she's really dead and that is hard. I have been praying that something magical would happen to let me know that she was there, that she accepted it, that she loves me, that she knows me. I was hoping, really hoping for one of those crazy experiences where I see her or here her. Something. Anything. The longer she is gone the harder it is to feel her. I remember her always. But they are the same memories and rarely have emotions attached to them. I remember her like I remember someone in a movie but every so often I feel her. She was real, she was my mom, she did love me, she loves me still. I can smell her, and hear her, and feel her, not physically like she's touching me, but emotionally. I feel the feeling of her, I wish that I could feel that all the time. Her laugh, her smell, the feel of her embrace. It is a hard thing to explain but when it hits me it takes my breath away. It is powerful and private and painful but so worth it. I find myself praying for these moments often. The prayers seem to go unanswered but I know they are not...these moments come when I am not begging for them, they come all on their own and I cherish them. Last night I was needing one of these moments. I was irritable before we got to the Temple, which happens often when I'm sad. I don't like sharing my feelings when I'm sad, even with Matt, I feel like it somehow takes away from the realness of it, so instead I get snappy or quite. Once we got to the Temple though, I felt calm. I felt right, and although I did not get my "magic" I certainly felt the feeling of her strongly. She was an amazing mom-something I might not have told her enough-she did so much for us, she loved us, she supported us, she laughed with us and cried with us. She protected us. I have felt a lot of guilt and sadness that I did not have the power or strength to protect her in the way that I feel sure she would have protected me. Last night though I felt a release. I have given back to her all that I can. I have begun to do her Temple work and what better way can I thank her and love her than that. I had a dream not long after she died. We were walking in the grocery store holding hands. My mom was looking at some juice. I asked her if she could drink juice where she was. She told me not to worry. I started to cry as we were heading for the check out. I knew that we would soon have to say goodbye, that she would be leaving again. The check out lady looked at me and said not only can you buy bread but you can give the bread of life. And then my mom was gone. I feel like I have finally done that, I have given her all that I can, I have done my part-the beginning of it anyway. For selfish reasons I waited, but I needed to be ready. I needed to let go of that small part of me that still hopes she's going to knock on my door someday and say sorry that she's been gone so long. I had to move past that, accept that, yes, doing her Temple work makes it real to me that she is not coming back. I did it. It felt right. The magic was that there was no magic. It was just an amazingly simple, spiritual experience, that was perfectly fitting for my amazing, simple, mom. As we left the Temple I felt full and at peace. Someday I will see my mom again. I have hope.

Table Rock

Saturday morning we decided to take the whole fam damily on a hike up Table Rock. The last time I hiked Table Rock I was in 4th grade and got to wear my favorite pink jeans with a pink and green plaid cut off/button up tank top. It was rad. I was excited. We decided to let the Tom Tom lead the way because we weren't exactly sure how to get there-forget looking at a map for 2 seconds. Tom took us way past our exit-up a country road and said "you have reached your destination" at the end of some dead end road. Sweet. Tom has officially been retired. This is not the first time he has let us down, but it will be the last. A few hours later than expected we found table rock and were ready to get our hike on.

It started out like a stroll through the park. I was complaining that I missed my morning run for a silly little stroll. Matt said not to make everything about working out-just enjoy it. Blah.

30 seconds later it got steep and hot and steep and my bum started hurting and my legs were tired and I needed a break. See my glow? Matt was laughing. No one would take a break with me.


Matt was impressed with his photog skills...it's a lizard...who cares? They're gross.

See how pleased I look?

Finally to the top...it was awesome and a little scary. They should have a railing up there so people don't fall off.

We got to stop at the top and have a sweet picnic. I was afraid that the vaulters that were circling BELOW us were going to eat my salt and vinegar chips but they did not.

Molly and Wil like to get close to the edge to torment me. Sassy kids.

I Spy With My Little Eye...Something Green

Well after dreaming in green for over a year we finally did it! We changed our boring old faded red that I've had since I moved out, to totally rad, not faded at all green! My enthusiasm for painting faded quickly, really quickly, but Matt stuck it out like always. He even did all the clean up, put the stuff back on the walls, set up the furniture, and set out a bouquet of white tulips all while my little eyes were tightly closed and my little brain dreaming in la la land. What a guy.

Old Room

New Room

On a side note I found this really great "dresser" at a new antique store down the street from our house. Someday I am going to sand it and paint it and sand it again. Someday I will make Matt paint our room a nice blue. Someday.

I really have been wanting an old fireplace mantle for our headboard...I saw it in a magazine and I was instantly smitten. But, since we live in good ol' Talent, that might take me some time to find. Instead my friend Anne gave me a great idea to use an old door instead. Just my luck that very weekend was Talent's city wide garage sale and I found an awesome old door for....1 dollar! Can you believe it? The dollar menu at McDonalds isn't even a dollar anymore. I didn't know you could buy things for a dollar. I have begun to throw my dollars on the ground like I do with pennies they have become so useless...no no not really. I do throw away my pennies because they weigh down my change drawer but that's as far as I take it. So someday this too will be sanded, painted, and then sanded and become our new headboard. Pretty rad huh?

P.S.

SALLY-I am not contemporary. Really I'm not. Right? Right.